It was after one o’clock when we were awakened to the sound of someone drumming all around us. We sat up, still somewhat asleep, but all was quiet. Then it started again, louder and longer this time. We realized it was our new next door neighbor practicing drums at one o’clock in the morning!
Amy picked up the phone and told me she was going to call the police. But I asked her, please, not to, that I would just go knock on his door and talk to him, instead. She was concerned about how he would react, but finally said okay.
So I went next door and knocked, and he was so very sorry he’d woken us up! He hadn’t realized how the sound would carry. And that was the end of it: We never heard him practicing after 9pm ever again. And he would come over to talk when he was having troubles. And then he started coming to our church dinners, and then began attending worship…
We live in a society that has more ways to help us be in touch with each other than ever before: Telephone and Voicemail, email and texting, Facebook® and Skype®, etc… And yet we are growing more and more impersonal in our dealings with each other than, perhaps, ever before in human history!
One of the ways we are being impacted by this growing use of social media in the place of voice to voice or face to face communication is in the ways we handle – or do not handle – our conflicts, grievances, and interpersonal struggles. People don’t sit down and “work it out” anymore. People write letters to the editor or get laws passed or get all your friends to hate the person along with you or start telling stories to hurt the other person’s reputation.
And many of these things aren’t new, but today they are more prevalent and more encouraged by the culture than ever before.
And yet we were made to live in harmonious, reconciled relationships with one another. Patterned after the perfect relationship God enjoys in Himself: Father, Son, Holy Spirit. God has revealed Himself to be three separate persons with unique manifestations and characteristics but while sharing the same character traints and existing in perfect harmony and unity together. We were made to enjoy such communion with our fellow human beings even as we were made to enjoy such communion with God.
The Lord wants His church to show the world what He is like and what it’s like to live with Him as our King, so He has made clear in His Word how we are to deal with our disagreements and the struggles and conflicts we have with one another. And because so many of those with whom we have troubles are not part of the church we can adapt these same principles to the disagreements, struggles, and conflicts we have with our friends, teachers, co-workers, bosses, and even family members, as well.
Matthew 18:15-17 [NLTse]
15 “If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the offense. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If the person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. Then if he or she won’t accept the church’s decision, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector.
As we prepare to walk through Matthew 18:15-17, let’s begin with our own frame of mind and attitude. In Psalm 4:4 King David sings, “Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.” But in his letter To the Ephesians the apostle Paul, quoting the psalm, writes: “And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.” (4:26-27)
When we are hurt by someone we will often respond in one of two kneejerk reactions: We’ll either go for immediate revenge; or, we’ll not do anything but simmer and grow bitter. So as the Holy Spirit teaches us God’s Way and Truth and Life for our disagreements and conflicts we can see in the direction of Matthew 18 the importance of not rushing in and yet the importance of not delaying too long. Paul makes clear to the Ephesians the importance of not delaying too long: Because our growing anger can give a foothold for the devil in our lives. A little thing festers into a bigger thing, and the little things pile up together to become something huge. So we must not delay too long.
And yet it is also important that we not rush in too quickly because anger and hurt can give us a feeling of self-righteousness as we focus on our pain and the one who inflicted it. Because of that we can sometimes need time to remember that we are sinners, too. In the Sermon on the Mount Jesus taught, “Why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own? How can you think of saying to your friend, ‘Let me help you get rid of that speck in your eye,’ when you can’t see past the log in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3-4)
As forgiven-sinners made new in Christ we have no business pointing out other people’s sins if we’ve lost sight that we’re sinners, too. Only with the humility that comes from knowing that we, too, hurt others and that we, too, need others to point out our sins to us do we have any right to confront each other.
A second reason to delay, while not delaying too long, is that if we are going to confront another with their sin we must do so out of genuine love for them. Paul, writing again to the Ephesians, says that if we want to respond to the lies and wickedness of others like Christ would, that we must “speak the truth in love”. (4:15) The Lord Jesus was as direct as can be. He called the Pharisees and other religious leaders “hypocrites” and told them they were like a “brood of vipers”. Harsh words! Yet He was able to be so direct because He loved them and knew they needed such harsh words to hear that truth. So if we do not love the one who hurt us we must first deal with the much greater sin in ourselves of not loving them before we seek to confront them about whatever their sins may be.
Now onto Matthew 18…
Notice how we’re to go privately at first. So often we tell everybody and their mother about what somebody did against us before ever telling them. Then if we do ever confront them we’ve so thoroughly dragged them through the mud to others around the office or among our friends or at church that no wonder they don’t want to ask our forgiveness and be friends again! So Jesus says, “Go privately.” Don’t let anyone know. Bring your Bible. Gently, humbly, show them and tell them what you’ve experienced. That way, they can tell you they’re sorry and change their ways without any embarrassment or shame from others around them.
Now, if they aren’t sorry, or if they won’t acknowledge their wrong, the Lord tells us that if we want to live out this abundant life He’s given us then the next thing to do it to go find somebody else who’s experienced this person’s sin. The Lord isn’t telling us to go tell somebody else about the sin. No, He’s saying for us to go and find somebody else who’s been hurt or offended or sinned against by this person in the same way, and, with that person, to go and confront them again, together. Again, the idea is to keep it all as private as can be so that if they are sorry and repentant that they can make amends and you can all be reconciled together without any embarrassment or shame to mess things up.
Now I want to pause right here to say, I know this takes all of what many of us used to consider “the fun” out of our conflicts. I know that many of you, perhaps, used to enjoy the revenge of making the person who hurt you look bad in other’s eyes. I know that many of you, perhaps, used to enjoy the attention and pity you used to get in describing the ways you’ve been hurt and wronged. Yes, Jesus is telling us that we must give all that up to gain the true joy of righteousness, peace, and joy in the Holy Spirit. (Romans 14:17)
That being acknowledge, if even after the two of you who’ve experienced their sin have humbly confronted them in love they still refuse to acknowledge their sin, then Jesus tells us to “take your case to the church”. In our case I would encourage you that here’s the time to get one of the elders involved. Now, you don’t have to. You could stand up in the middle of Coffee Hour and start making a stink about it. But I hope you won’t, but would bring it instead to one of the elders and share it with them. Not being a part of the hurt and offense the elder might be able to offer some insights you have missed, and the elder can then serve as a “neutral party” to join you in confronting the person one last time. And perhaps that elder’s presence and confirmation will be what the person needs to apologize and be reconciled with you.
However, if not, the elder is in the best place to initiate whatever discipline might be appropriate to keep the unrepentant person from encouraging others in sinful and hurtful and self-serving ways. (That’s not the goal the process is striving for, of course. The Lord is calling us to be reconciled to each other, to overcome the “divide and conquer” works of the devil, to show the world how we Christians love each other, and in doing so to give the world a glimpse of Heaven and the Kingdom of God.) But sometimes church discipline is what’s needed to help that happen. (See 1 Corinthians 5:1-5 and 1 Timothy 1:19-20)
Lastly – though perhaps it would be best if done firstly – forgive them whether they are sorry and repent or not. You can’t fully make up and trust can’t be fully restored without their acknowledgment of their sin and their seeking your forgiveness and God’s grace to change, but forgiving them will release you from holding a grudge, and from bitterness growing up inside of you over time. And then what you’ve allowed to happen to you over time will leave you worse off than anything they ever could have done.
You can see how this process – although strictly given to us by the Lord to help us live our new life with other Christians – can be so readily borrowed for use in our relationships with non-Christians, as well. And though sometimes it may seem best to us for the other party to be the one to come and be reconciled to us: The boss or the leader or the teacher or the one who “they know what they did!” However, the Lord calls us – whether we’ve wronged or whether we’ve been wronged – as soon as He’s pointed these things out to us, to go and be the ones to make the first move towards reconciliation. To be like Christ, given power by His Spirit, to always and never give up moving to be reconciled with others.
18 Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone… Never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God… Don’t let evil conquer you, but conquer evil by doing good. (Romans 12:18, 19, 21)